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|Thursday, July 19th, 2007|
|The whirlwind is almost over...
Where to begin....
The last couple of months have brought Shaun and I the closest we've ever been. Long talks have really helped relinquish any doubts I've had about our relationship...more importantly they've helped me with any doubts I had about relationships with men period. There were a couple of times where I thought that maybe I was being unfair to him because I was second guessing the stability of our friendship/relationship but, turns out he had some of the same fears I did and instead of fighting, we're talking. I haven't been perfect but I've been completely honest and he's accepted my faults and we're moving on. There is no one that knows as much about me as Shaun and he loves me just the same and vice versa and that's the best feeling in the world.
Onto the wedding stuff:
We have had the best luck, EVER. My dress fits, finally. Our groom's/bride's people are mostly paying for their own stuff (which wasn't the case in the begginning). My dress alterations were free, our photographer is charging us half price, Dad & Helen paid for our honeymoon and ceremony site. Mom paid for our flowers. Shaun's mom is paying for the catering. Shaun's grandparents just sent us a check for $1,000. All of my closest family is able to make it, as well as some happily unexpected members of Shaun's family. My friends have been super supportive.
TWO WEEKS TO GO!
And then we come home from the honeymoon and start packing for the move! Good bye, Shithole Stead! Current Mood: giddy
|Sunday, July 1st, 2007|
How did I get here? Suddenly you're on a road you did not choose.Life happens. I feel like I started this life with a shock absorbing fog that filtered whatever came in, making shit easier to deal with. I don't believe in god but I feel like something or someone is always testing me. All of my strength was used up during the molestation. I had a few years to get myself together and happy. I did get myself in a better place and things were great. The first rape happened 7 years later and I was right back where I started. All the hard work I had done and my therapist had done over the course of 7 years was gone in seconds. Despite the setback, I was able to get back on track. Six years after that, I met an older man named Jason. Jason had alot of problems but made me feel like a queen and I loved him for it. A year later Jason committed suicide. After that, it was pretty much over - by "it" I mean my strength and will. One more rape happened a couple years after that and it was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. Not because of the act itself but because it turned off all feeling and what little sense of myself I had left - went away. I was in bad shape before it happened and I literally felt my personality change within a couple of days. The inevitable tears and sadness can delay your journey with immobilizing depression - or they can provide the necessary healing for your emotional wounds and restore your joy. The part that is supposed to involve joy comes in spurts at best. It's like every breath that I take only turns to a fight for survival. Each thought that I feel only turns to tears. Each friend that I make only turns into a distant memory. I have more memories than friends. I have so many questions about how and why my life came to be the way it is. I hope that eventually I find the answers and I won't be on this endless plateau anymore.
|Monday, May 7th, 2007|
Well, a much needed blow up that almost resulted in me moving out happened yesterday. I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress and so has Shaun so things have been tense. We both suck at communication so things have a tendency to build up. There's finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Counseling will be getting underway, things seem to be going in a good direction. We had a very, very late night last night and alot of things were finally confronted and although they might not all be resolved, they're finally out there and we're having a great day today.
I've been observing other relationships the past few weeks and I feel like such a whiney little bitch now, because really, we have it pretty good. We have family members that are in the middle of a divorce due to infidelity. I've also recently observed some friend's cheating ways and I think to myself, to each their own, but I'm so happy we have problems we can work through.
Things are awesome. Current Mood: chipper
|Friday, March 30th, 2007|
tonight I feel an overwhelming sense of doom/failure/disgust with myself
I don't know why it's tonight that I feel this way, I'm not pms'ing and nothing provoked it...it just happened.
I just want to die for some reason.
|Monday, March 5th, 2007|
|My new motto
I didn't make this up myself but I've decided to start living by it...
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" Current Mood: determined
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2006|
MySpace = superficial = high school = so over it.
Aside from the "top" friends, everyone else can be categorized under 1. Guy I used to fuck or 2. People I see only when I'm drunk...and maybe a COUPLE of exceptions. I go through really tough mood swings...that's no secret to anyone but I just want a little more privacy. I'm not comfortable with the thought of someone recognizing me in public and thinking "Oh! that's the girl that threatens to kill herself and never does it!" or "that chick was abused and/or raped by that one guy". I really did like some of the anonymity I used to have on here, maybe I can start to get some of that back. Current Mood: anti-social
|Thursday, November 30th, 2006|
I'm not happy, I'm miserable in fact, maybe not every day, but just in general.
I've become completely useless as a person. I have two feelings - miserable and numb. It sounds so cliche but I literally just feel like a shell of a person walking around. Shaun tries so hard to make me "better" and it's just never going to happen. I just wanted to be able to be happy or at least get a little better. It's just pointless planning anything anymore. I can't be a good wife/friend/etc. if I always end up back at square one. I'm depressed and it makes everyone around me depressed and uncomfortable in the process. I'm so tired of being that person.
|Monday, October 30th, 2006|
Well, it took a really long time, and I can count how many times I've done it in my lifetime but I accepted the things I've done wrong over the past year or so and apologized to someone. I started thinking really hard about everything bad I've said about people I was once friends with and whether or not those things were true and/or worth it. And something weird happened, I experienced guilt in one of those circumstances. I thought about how shitty I felt when people I was friends with started rumors about me or just abandoned our friendship. I didn't really realize until recently that I had become one of those people and that I gave someone else that exact same shitty feeling. I was so wrapped up in myself that I completely forgot about anyone else.
I completely opened myself to being shot down and I got a Thank You instead. I was reminded of why I became friends with this person in the first place. So, I don't expect things to go back exactly to where they were but at least things are better. Current Mood: calm
|Wednesday, May 31st, 2006|
|I'd like to reiterate...
How awesome my dad is.
I'm getting a little upset at the world though, I mean, how many times can a financial disaster happen the day before rent is due? So far it's EVERY month and it's getting a little old. OH. and let's not forget that Shaun has a nasty ear infection and I can't swallow, walk, sleep or sit without being in pain. We have insurance though so that's......better. I guess.
Ugh. Current Mood: cranky
|Monday, April 24th, 2006|
It really bothers me when I hear something that was said or thought about me by someone I care about. It's supposed to be all "said and done with" but I didn't know about it then and I know about it now, so now, I am pissed. Whatever. I can be irrational but a lot of times I do have reasons. It's not my fault some people think they're the greatest thing since sliced bread to see that they cause my outbursts. Ugh. Oh, and by the way, I never apologized so your hope for my "big fucking apology" can eat shit.
On a different note, T-Mobile is about to fuckin hear it from me. I was mysteriously signed up for some ringtone service that is costing me 10 bucks a month. They said it was from some other company so I looked up that other company and they have NO customer service phone number...just an e-mail address...that no longer works. So for now, I have a $65 bill that should be $45 ( I racked up some other unrelated charges). Current Mood: aggravated
|Saturday, February 18th, 2006|
|Wednesday, February 15th, 2006|
We are 23 days from our official move-in date at the new apartment complex! I am so, so excited. This will be my first apartment that I feel like I can call my own...well, actually OURS, but I helped picked this one out. I won't really need anything but we're still gonna hold a "house warming" where Bill and Jeremy and Tim's attendance are mandatory and anyone else who wants to come is more than welcome. Our total move-in cost is only going to be $1,102.16 and $1,000 will be coming from my father. I cannot believe how much my relationship with my dad has improved over the last couple of years. Ever since he went through counseling and anger management, everything has been perfect. I used to think nothing would ever improve but our relationship has been better than it ever has been.
I will be 22 in 9 days. Whoopity doo. I wanted to turn 21 and stop aging. *Shrugs* I'll be 22 and I don't care at all...all it means to me anymore is a free dinner.....preferably with a lot of crab meat...mmmmmm....seafood. If any of you really want to get me a gift I would appreciate, get me a gift certificate to Rapscallion. Current Mood: ecstatic
|Thursday, January 26th, 2006|
|I am loved.
So, I went to my dad's house after work today and left my cellphone in my car. Apparently I caused much panic among my loved ones. I called Shaun around 9 and he was all like "Hillary? Oh, thank god, where the fuck have you been?!" So, since I couldn't hear my phone, I didn't answer it, obviously and Shaun had no idea I was going to my dad's after work and neither did my mom......when all was said and done, I had 6 missed calls within a 90 minute period....2 from Shaun, 2 from work, 2 from my mother....all left the cutest/sweetest messages ever..."Uhm...hi, you aren't answering your phone and no one knows where you are, give me a call as soon as possible...ok, I love you, bye"
awwwwwww. To think, all I was doing was sitting on my ass watching "My Name is Earl" Current Mood: loved
|Saturday, December 31st, 2005|
|Happy New Year
Well, it's New Year's Eve and my mom can't drive more than 5 miles down the street without being turned back around....she is literally stuck in Sun Valley...of all the places to be stuck in. Tim was evacuated from his home this morning too. The good news is they say although it'll be close, it won't be as bad as '97. I was asleep for the last 4 hours though so maybe something has happened that I haven't seen on the news yet. Anyway, Shaun and I were supposed to go to a party tonight with Tim and Robby and an assload of other people but we're thinking twice on it on account of the weather. A bar is the last place I want to be on New Year's anyway and that's where they're all going from the apartment complex. I love Tim but being in a gay bar on New Year's would just irritate the shit out of me. I'm feeling old womanish and just want to be somewhere where it's nice and quiet after midnight.
Anyway, nothing has really changed. Another semester starts at the end of January and I'm a little nervous about it but excited to get back. Still working at the Atlantis, still living in a shithole. Our living situation will change in March though so I can tough it out.
Until next time... Current Mood: awake
|Sunday, November 27th, 2005|
|I stole it
LJ Interests meme results
silliness is just fun. I've been accused of being too serious but I'm working on it.
I pretty much love confusing the crap out of people.
I drink like a mofo sometimes and I love how it makes me feels.
- drunken banter:
Some of my conversations have come out of drunken banter. I wish I could say I can't remember some of my "drunken banters" but I very rarely do anything on accident.
the most perverted thing about me...I LOVE being watched when I'm with someone...It gets me off.
- live music:
even if it's a genre of music I'm not a fan of, I love seeing people's talents on display.
I never thought I would find true love but I found it...and I couldn't be happier.
I have become obsessed with movies. Shaun has gotten me into Japanese and Korean slasher movies but they are a lot more well thought out than any American horror film you'll find.
post-traumatic stress disorder. It basically consists of flashbacks and panic attacks of a severely traumatic event (events in my case) and I have a pretty severe case of it... if you've ever spent the night with me, you know how bad it is.
- random making out:
nothing better than just jumping on someone and bringing them as close to cumming as you can without actually taking your clothes off.
Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.
|Sunday, November 20th, 2005|
Well, I guess I should update since it's been so long. A lot and nothing has happened all at the same time. I'm sort of moved out of my house and I'm sort of not moved out of my house. I'm unofficially living with Shaun which is totally ridiculous considering the big steps our relationship has taken but I'm still a couple grand in the hole with my parents so living with them is sort of a necessity...but starting right after Christmas, Shaun and I can start our life together...finally.
I've reconnected with Tim which I am ecstatic about. Tim is one of the very, very few genuinely nice people I've met. Every person I've considered a friend at one point or another fades away when they start seeing someone and I assumed Tim was no different so when he started seeing Josh, I just sorta stopped calling. Luckily, things aren't like that and he hounded me down again to hang out. He's super excited for me and Shaun which is nice being as my other friends couldn't be more negative when it comes to our relationship...but that's ok, I'm doing things for me, not them.
I've taken baby steps in bettering my diet because I'm tired of my body feeling like shit all of the time. I can count on one hand how many times I've drank in the last couple months which is a big step considering I was drinking a lot...every day. I've signed up for next semester and I'm starting to get back into piano which has been pretty therapeutic but I need to look for more than stealing my mom's keyboard every once in awhile.
Things are so perfect right now that I really haven't known what to write in this thing. I'm not used to writing happy shit but it feels good to be able to read something I wrote and know that things are going well. Current Mood: content
|Monday, October 24th, 2005|
Everything is pretty much perfect. I will be married in '06 to someone who has completely changed my world for the best. School is slow going but it'll get there and I'm finally content with my career choice. I am finally independent and doing what the "grown-ups do". My dad even caught on to wedding plans that we haven't really announced to our families yet and he didn't lose his shit on me. I couldn't be happier with my life the choices I've made since I met Shaun. Current Mood: ecstatic
|Monday, October 10th, 2005|
|let's be realistic...
He was single for 5 years before me, he's obviously just fine being by himself. In fact, before me, he had sworn off human companionship completely. He says he loves me all the time but he can't predict the future, he can't say that he'll always be ok with my baggage. I'm trying different ways to help me be a "better person" and get over my baggage but what if I NEVER get any better? What if he says he wants to be with me because he's assuming that I'll one day be this wonderful person that brings him nothing but happiness? Sex is already a problem (big shocker there). It's not the frequency, it's the teasing and then all of the sudden stopping...or so he says...although, something tells me that once every two weeks (if that) will eventually not go over too well with him. Hell, it bothers me and I'm the reason it's not happening. When you go through a few years of molestation and a few rapes, sex isn't really on your top priority list anymore. I don't care how nice of a guy you are, who wants to be in a celibate relationship? Exactly. No one. I saw this coming but I assumed it would all be perfect because I trust him. So....if I totally trust him and I feel comfortable and I STILL can't fuck, isn't that the big indicator that I'm never going to be ok with this? I can't handle another relationship falling apart just because I'm damaged goods and incapable of physical intimacy.
I should have learned the first time that I shouldn't try being with anyone. I'm a total waste of time and energy. Current Mood: crushed
|Wednesday, October 5th, 2005|
|fuck I feel creepy.
So there's this 18-year-old girl in California that I have been talking to online for awhile off and on. I mostly thought her music was really cool and she's smart as hell. So....after all this talking, I find out (from other people and my own findings) that she's the daughter of someone rather famous. Someone I'm a pretty big fan of...so now I feel all creepy, even though I had no idea until now and I've been talking to her for almost year. The internet makes the world so fucking small and it has turned me into an accidental stalker.
Ugh. It shouldn't matter and it doesn't, it was just more of a shock than anything. Current Mood: content
|Monday, September 19th, 2005|
I think if tonight had gone any better than it did, I would have died of happy. Current Mood: ecstatic